Author: caelanmac

A letter to Tshombe

Hey Tshombe,

Fantastic call today! Its really reinvigorating to resume our masterminding conversations again.

I left something important out of our talk; something that, as my accountability partner, I have a duty to tell you.

This was written down in my Challenges section, and we have so much to be grateful for in our lives, we spent most of our Skype time talking about what’s going right in our lives! Thats a really good sign. It means our lives are really good, and we’ve got lots to be grateful for. Then we went over our monthly and quarterly plans, which will (I think) be the real value for our upcoming masterminding stage – keeping each other accountable on our longer-term plans, and helping each other to complete monthly and quarterly planning.

It just so happened that I came across some worksheets today from your Claim Your New Year Now seminar for 2012, and you were kind enough to create monthly and quarterly planning sheets. I had printed out all of your worksheets and put them in a binder with some other worksheets I have been using for digital product brainstorming; so I found the sheets for this quarter, and I’m going to write up my goals and put them up on my closet door.

Thank you for the workshop you gave six months ago; I am still reaping benefits from it.

What I left out of our conversation was a failure to keep a commitment to myself, a commitment I declared out loud to you a couple weeks ago; a commitment that jump-started our new masterminding and quarterly planning sessions.

I fell off the wagon.

After ten days of not smoking pot, the longest period since I came to Costa Rica, I smoked on Tuesday. And then again on Wednesday. And then again today.

What I want right now is not necessarily a period of abstinence, but rather, a lessening of the negative effects that comes with being a regular pot smoker.

I have realized, after this latest period of sustained sobriety, that there are equally negative effects I experience that are alleviated by smoking.

First, there are my seizures. Regular, moderate intake of marijuana keeps my seizures at bay. This condition qualified me for my medical card in Oregon, and after seven days dry I had a seizure at dinner.

This was the first moment when I doubted my original commitment, to refrain from smoking for six weeks.

Three days later, I was finishing my work, and I was agitated. It is difficult for me to put down the high-paced, super-mental world of work in which I engage every day, especially without a commute. Since I work from home, I turn around and get in the kitchen, pick up a baby, and before I can fully discard the API integration tweaks I was troubleshooting just moments before, I am absorbed in the ever-changing turbulence of family life, before I have reset myself.

This, I realize, is what I really need after a workday; a reset.

A beer, a shower, a run, there are plenty of other ways that I can reset my psyche. Taking three hits off a joint, however, has been my preferred method of resetting myself, and preparing for family time, because it is easy, portable, effective, and enjoyable.

On Tuesday afternoon the kids were having tantrums, my wife was exhausted, dinner was in shambles, and my irritation was only making everything worse.

I took one hit, happily did the dishes with my son, and then we sat down with some reading cards and both my children started reading. Their education up to this point was sufficient enough that when I broke out these cards, and started engaging with them directly, having fun, they started sounding out words; both the 6 year old AND the four year old child were reading.

I am a better dad when I am stoned. And I enjoy my life more.

This is, partially, why I have continued to smoke daily since then. (By ‘daily smoking,’ I mean, three hits off of a thin joint, which is my preferred doseage.)

However, I know I am obligated to revisit my broken commitment, if for no other reason than I declared a commitment to you, my accountability partner. Whether or not I decide to resume my commitment is a different question, one which I can comprehensively ask myself by writing you this email, and reviewing the pros and cons of smoking pot.
PROS
-I am a better father when I am high.
-My mood is better, and I take unexpected interruptions (a big frequency in prenthood) easily.
-I am more creative, and it is easier for me to generate ideas within a project.
-I write more. My word count is much higher.
-It serves as the most satisfactory reset when transitioning from work to family time. Beer can make me sleepy, unable to keep up with my kids, grumpy when it gets late, and unable to work at night (which I have to do frequently). Pot in the early evening allows me to work stoned later at night on content creation, a major portion of my career, which is supported by my habit.
-Sometimes I want to exercise while high. I love doing yoga, juggling, and even lifting weights when I am high.
CONS
-In the mornings, I am extraordinarily tired for the first ten minutes after waking.
-I can be short-tempered during non-high portions of my day.
-I have a tendency to binge on weekends, and occasionally smoke in the middle of a workday, which affects my productivity levels.
-My endurance is not as high, and without a dedicated exercise program, my health deteriorates.
-If I am in a dedicated exercise program, my endurance is depressed. I cannot finish P90X routines with regularity.
-My focus and productivity can potentially deteriorate, especially near periods of binging. The quality of my written work deteriorates noticeably for a few days after getting very high.
Its difficult to discuss these considerations in the everyday, due to the legal nature of pot. We can mention in passing how too much wine + not enough water = bad morning this weekend, and share tips conversationally on being better drunks. As a society we don’t have the same camaraderie around pot, limiting our ability to self-monitor by social conversation.

Also, I am not a typical stoner. I don’t get hungry when I am high. Actually, I use it as an appetite suppresant. If I am hungry, but dont want to or cannot eat, I can smoke, and my hunger goes away. This probably comes from my high school years, when I lived in my car, delivered pizza at night, and dealt small bags of marijuana during the day. If I had no food, I always had pot, and that would keep me sated.

Consequently, I draw great comfort from being high. I feel more like myself when high than I do during any other point of my day, other than when I am working, or writing, and in a trance of flow.

Feeling more like myself when I am with my family (which is 80% of the high times that I spend, is with my family) means they get more of me this way.

So now that I have successfully lauded the reasons why marijuana is a part of my life, I need to revisit the original reason I wanted to abstain for six weeks in the first place:

I need to focus and work hard during this period of my life.

I am broker than I’ve ever been, financially. I’m off in Central America with a 30-hour-a-week telecommuting job that pays me less than I need to support my family, and my business (which is supposed to fill the gap) relies on my focus and dedication. I have a side project (The Phoenix Seminar) which has the potential to become the landmark content that defines the next stage of my career.

If I do a good job now with Ace of Sales, I have the very real opportunity to be a C-level marketing executive of a multimillion dollar public company in five years, and being responsible for the growth that propels it to that status.

I don’t want to jeopordize any of that with a bad habit of self indulgence.

I started exercising again because my body was hurting all the time. After only a few short weeks, I’m better, and I’m focused. My goals for exercising were shooting way over the mark of what I need; I don’t need to do P90X again and achieve an elite level of fitness. I need to sweat a few times a week. P90X just happens to be the easiest way for me to do that; I put down a yoga mat, click ‘play’ on my iPhone, and Tony Horton is guiding me through an exercise routine I know well.

Do I need to rise at 5 am every morning to accomplish this? If so, smoking pot is holding me back, because the past two days I have snoozed until 530. This cut into my workout time, which, wouldntcha know it, complemented my plan to reduce my exercise intensity, so I liked it.

I am hacking out a plan of moderation here, not only to justify my continued use of marijuana, but also to attain the goals that I wanted to achieve through abstinence, making a period of sobriety moot.

I’m considering swapping my workout time; by working out at 330 every day, I can get a reset before transitioning to family time, and exercise at a time my body is likely more ready for it. I would still need to wake up super early, and work on my own projects early in the AM. Work for Ace of Sales would be between 8 and 330, which gives plenty of time to fulfill my 30 hour a week commitment.

So now, I’m going to take this brainstorm to the calendar, so I can transition my thoughts into action. Thanks for being a sounding board.

Solstice renewal

Today is the Summer Solstice. The apex of the year.

I am in a transitional time, this year.

My new job is going well. I’m focused on doing good work here, and re-establishing my financial footing. I am grateful that my days can now be spent in doing good work, living simply, and raising my children, instead of hustling for the next customer all the time.

Yesterday was the New Moon. I went through an Angel Invocation for Tilath, an element of earth, who guides gardening, flowerinf, and blossoming.

Normally I would have aimed at a much more prosperity-minded earth spirit, but I had the invocation for this one in a spellbook. I have 4 elemental angels I can invoke, and on the Full Moon I will invoke an angel of Water, then on the next new Moon an angel of Air, and on the following Full moon an angel of Fire.

these invocations are my reward to myself for abstaining from marijuana during this six week period, and exercising every morning at 530.

Tilath was busy, tending her roots, and I made my humble requests: I want a mountain of my own, so that I may plant an orchard, and my children can learn how to grow things in the earth. She happily told me to sit tight, and within the year I will have it.

I basked contentedly in her presence for a time, and ended our communion.

Today, I went to the top of the mountain wher I live, and went through my rituals, up to the Pattern on the Trestleboard. I went no further, because I am hesitant to invoke (or banish) too much magical energy, after the recent chaos that deep study in my practice has once again caused.

I think one of the keys is refraining from those rituals that I find hazardous, because of the ability of other mortals to use them as conduits to sap my energy. The Affirmation to healing, and casting the circle, I have found to be at high risk for this, so I no longer perform them.

I have also amended the LBRP, so that instead of a banishing pentagram of earth, I create a banishing pentagram of spirit (or an invoking pentagram of earth, ironically) and focus on bringing the earth energies, and elemental energies, into me. Calling the 4 archangels during this ritual feels like a stronger protection this way.

I move forward cautiously, careful not to overdo it, and happy with my humble lot in life.

Draining the Magicians

It’s an interesting day today.

The new moon, the eclipse, theres some major shit going down today. Last night, too, Saturday, I could feel it really strongly. Theres a lot of magical energy swirling…

…and I just want to sit it all out.

It’s funny, when I was younger, I always wanted to be involved in a big cosmic shift. Now that one is here, I don’t want to participate in it; I just want to sit out on the sidelines, shelter my family from any ill effects, and be prepared for the new world we’re going to get.

I’m writing this to you for a few reasons; first, you’re a good friend; second, I don’t have anyone to talk magic with here, and I really need that as an outlet.

For a while I was working with Amanda in this area, doing a distance coaching on moving up the Tree of Life. But I didn’t really want to go past Tiphareth, for a few reasons, and as I’m sure you know when coaching relationships are in disarray, communication is paused, until we can find the right way to resume the conversation.

So amanda and I aren’t really talking right now; I get the impression she is waiting for the Hierarchy to give her guidance, or waiting for today to perform an exit ritual. Normally I would write to her about this sort of thing, but I want to write this to you, because I’ve come to realize something:

the ipssissimus is not treating his flock well.

I say this as an outsider, as someone not involved in the Mystery School at any high level, as someone who has energetic antennae and can interpret my perceptions in an independent way. You, Mikaela, are in exactly the same status; you are Mystery School-friendly, but not part of their organization, practically or psychically.

I think the conversation we’ve been having over the last few years, about how all the RMs are broke and destitute, has something to do with what I’ve been feeling from the top: a pull. A draining. A siphoning of power.

Having only moderate knowledge of the workings of Golden Dawn traditions, I can’t postulate anything certainly, I can only hypothesize: I think the ipsissimus has a connection to all initiates through the initiation ritual, and he can draw power through that connection at will.

There have been times in history when members of the Esoteric Brotherhood were powerful and wealthy, in no small part due to their studies of the occult. Isaac Newton was the master of the Mint in London. Francis Bacon, and other of his contemporaries were powerful and wealthy. During that time, the practice of the magical arts was an augmentation of one’s power.

In our day and age, magicians are a sorry lot.

They tend to be poor, artistic, and counter-culture. The only major exception (in America) I can think of is the Masons, who function more as a power-broker-network than a magical society, but they still overlap.

So what has separated the Modern Mystery school from its forbears, in regards to the ability of its members to succeed and become powerful in temporal affairs?

The two major distinctions I see are the advance of the Internet, and the current head of the Brotherhood of Light.

My wife knew of the Rocky Mountain Mystery School when she grew up in Santa Fe. The heads of the local chapter were always in financial straits.

And Gudni was running it even back then.

Based on the experience I had with the Golden Pyramid meditation, which I told you about in our last Skype call, I can tell that he is using group connections for his own use of magical power.

I think it is draining all the magicians.

While I was working with Amanda, I saw things in my life beginning to fall apart. My clients stopped coming in, I had a contract fall apart, and it reminded me of the last time I worked with her, during the Elements Class I took with her in the end of 2010. At the same time, my financial life started falling apart; I lost my job at Spot Color Studio, and three business deals all crashed at the same time.

Having gone through this twice, I’m not calling them definitely connected, but I don’t feel comfortable calling it a coincidence.

I’ve stopped doing my daily rituals. Other than an occasional Qabalistic Cross, and a monthly practice of the MIddle Pillar on the full moon, I don’t do the daily rituals in the initiate’s manual. Especially the circle.

I think casting the circle is how the ipsissimus collects from the initiates.

I say this not as a declaration, or a condemnation, but merely as a theory. I stopped doing this ritual, and everything got easier. I got a job. Money started coming in. The effects, whatever their source, are reversing themselves.

And I’m not willing to put aside the idea that it is possible that this work has been knocking me into a better place than I ever could have been; the first time this happened, in the Elements class, my situation changed to allow me to move to Costa Rica. The second time, when I had a client walk out on a ten thousand dollar contract, it made me fold my business and look for a job (that I got in three weeks) that is exceptionally awesome and gets me in with some really powerful people. This could be the step-up I’ve been waiting for in my career.

So it’s possible that the mega-shift is better for me in the long run; but I’m no longer willing to pay the price of my financial success, with a family of 7 people counting on my ability to provide for them. So I’m taking my benefits and growth and stepping out.

I’d love to know your thoughts, and any experiences you’ve had in this regard.

Capricorn as Frog

The only astrological sign that does not appear in any other myth is the Capricorn. The sea-goat did not get flung into the sky in a great Greek legend, and did not come from any tale of the ancients, so far as we can tell.

As a Capricorn myself, I have often felt midly ashamed of the Capricorn. It does not exemplify a great virtue; it is a goat with a fish tail.

Then, I read something which changed my opinion of the Capricorn forever.

The Capricorn, due to its dual nature, can not only survive, but can thrive, in any environment.

From the highest of mountaintops, to the deepest of seas, a Capricorn can adapt to any circumstance and benefit greatly by it.

Yet, we like to stay where we are. We tend to go stagnant. If left to our own devices, we will stay right where we are.

There is another animal that shares this trait. This animal also has the dual nature of living in different environments.

The Frog.

While watching a frog the other day, I viewed it through the lens of Capricorn. Not only am I a Capricorn myself, I have Capricorns in my family, and count many Capricorns among my friends.

Watching the frog, I saw reflections of their personalities.

A frog sits. It is impermeable, at least temporarily, to the poking of sticks by children, and the sniffing of dogs.

When finally moved, the Frog will leap, far and fast, to find another place to sit without moving.

Often achieving stagnation in these places, when time comes to change, the Frog can move drastically, and land perfectly, every time.

Looking Forward, Looking Back

I’ve held on to this email message for a couple of weeks, and every time I almost hit ‘Send,’ I hesitated.

So, instead of declaring this as my position, I offer it as a position I have considered, that we may talk about it.

Personal growth is a vital and necessary component of living.

Sometimes, it comes at a price.

When we went through the Elements class, I started with extremely high prospects in my life and career. I was rolling in money, had a great job, and things were really exciting.

By the time it ended, I was broke, unemployed, with no idea what I was going to be doing with my life.

I’ve often felt there is a correlation between the activities of Western magicians and conditions of financial lack, mostly due to scraping away native energies in banishing rituals. I’ve become more cautious about this, now that I’ve seen how my spiritual activities can affect my ability to provide for my family.

Granted, the destitution I achieved 18 months ago directly led to my present locale; had things continued going swimmingly in Portland, I would have stayed, and never considered a move to central america.

Now that I am here, I find myself without the failsafes I had in place in my former country. Being broke here, with $160 to my name, is a very different experience; one misstep, and my family (currently in between nationalities) is destitute, as well.

I relish the growth I have made during this journey, but I am unprepared to continue it, while maintaining my responsibilities as the provider of my household.

I appreciate the time and energy you have taken in guiding me along this path, and I will continue to work on your book trailer, as soon as I can secure an internet connection that does not die every fifteen minutes.

In the future, I would love to work with you again, in any number of capacities. But for now, I’m out.

With the new moon approaching, now is a good time to consider; do we move forward, or do we stop here?

Let’s Skype about it.

Ascended to Tiphareth.

I feel balanced. Whole. Complete.

I feel like I can legitimately let go of all the worries that used to creep into my consciousness, and without these fretting thoughts taking up my thinking, I can really relax into the majesty of existence.

This world is majestic. We live within Beauty. Our curse as humans is that we can neglect to notice it, or rather, we forget. Without continual reminders, we can easily slip back into dissatisfaction with the world, instead of ecstatic fascination with it.

Previous spheres have ended with a stagnation, a miring in the vice of the sphere. Is the same possible here? Will we descend into Pride, or can we truly stay in continual appreciation of Beauty?

I bring this up, because spending two months in this sephirah sounds mighty nice to me. If we are going to pace ourselves so we can meet in person at the right place along this journey, I nominate this stage as a good place to spend some extra time.

Balance, on the equinox.

And on the tree.

I’ve been adrift lately with regards to our work, not sure what I should be focusing upon. With the earlier sephirah, we were invoking the energy of one sphere; now, we are suspended between four of them, at the intersection of the Tower and Temperance.

Catastrophic taming, I suppose.

We are not in Hod or Netzach; the point of equilibrium between us, where we are, is more than just a balance between right and left. It is also a balance between Yesod and Tiphareth.

As I look to the left and the right, I also need to look above and below.

The splendor of the intellect is a place I spend most of my time anyway, with the work that I do. I understand Hod very well. At first, I assumed I would need balance with Netzach, and that was the great lesson for me here.

My emotions, however, are known, and tamed. I may lack in the ability to use my emotions for manifestation, a very potent force, which is why I created the ALF project, to ensure I practice this power diligently.

The most I am out of balance, when I examine my known self, is with thoughts of lust.

I have a very high libido. Thankfully, I have a lusty wife, and access to a world of porn. I never go dissatisfied.

My satisfaction takes temporary precedence over my other thoughts, however, 3-5 times per week.

Sometimes, this depletes my chi, dulling my effectiveness, all because idle lusty thoughts creep into my mind and consume my thinking and feeling capacity.

So today, I looked at the Tree, and asked where these lusty thoughts originate.

It is, of course, in the imagination, in Yesod. Corresponding with the second chakra, of course.

I imagine sexual fantasies frequently, and not because I need to, or because I am recently deprived. It is idle. In a word, masturbatory.

I hold of my intellectual thinking time to an appropriate portion of my day; if I have a great idea that needs further development, I record it into my voice recorder, and when I am alert and caffeinated, I review my notes and implement them.

Likewise, I should not be indulging in lusty thoughts when it is not the time for me to be indulging in them.

During the other portions of my day, I do not want to descend into baser thoughts. I want to look higher, into Beauty.

This, then, is my final lesson of balance at this point of the tree.

In my right and left hands, my intellect and my heart.

Below me is my desires. Above is my higher self.

I do not wish to completely abstain from my baser desires, but I will refrain from continual indulgence, in order that my higher mind can spend time untarnished in the forefront of my thoughts.